Forgiveness: It’s for You.

As the year draws to a close, some may find themselves in a strange emotional space. You’ve done the hard work. You’ve named the abuse. You’ve confronted patterns, faced truths that were painful to accept, and survived things you never should have had to endure. You’ve learned to set boundaries, advocate for yourself, and protect what matters most.

And yet, even after all that growth, something can still feel heavy.

That weight is often not the abuse itself, but what remains tethered to it: resentment, anger, bitterness, and the constant mental replay of what was done to you. These emotions are understandable. They are human. They are earned. But when carried too long, they quietly keep you bound to the very harm you worked so hard to escape.

This is where forgiveness enters the conversation, not as a moral obligation, not as a gift to the person who hurt you, but as a decision to reclaim your own peace.

What Forgiveness Is. And What It Is Not

Forgiveness has been misunderstood, misused, and weaponized against survivors. Many people are told they must forgive to be “healed,” or that forgiveness requires reconciliation, access, or understanding. That is not true.

Forgiveness does not excuse abuse. Forgiveness does not erase accountability. Forgiveness does not minimize harm. Forgiveness does not require contact, trust, or an olive branch.

Forgiveness is not about what the abuser deserves but what you deserve.

At its core, forgiveness is the choice to stop carrying hostility in your mind and body. It is releasing the expectation that the person who hurt you will one day understand, own up to what they’ve done, apologize, or make it right. It is deciding that your future will no longer be shaped by their past actions.

You can forgive someone and still pursue justice. You can forgive someone and still maintain firm boundaries. You can forgive someone and still acknowledge that they have no place in your life.

Forgiveness Frees the Survivor

Holding onto anger can feel protective. And for a time, it is. Anger fuels survival. It helps you leave. It helps you set boundaries. It helps you see clearly when denial once kept you stuck.

But survival mode is not meant to be permanent.

When resentment becomes a constant companion, it keeps the nervous system activated. It keeps the mind looping. It keeps the abuser psychologically present, even when they are physically gone. If your emotional energy is still consumed by what they did, they still have influence over you. Forgiveness is not forgetting. It is not denying reality. It is choosing not to let the harm continue renting space in your life.

Forgiveness Does Not Reopen the Door

One of the greatest fears survivors have around forgiveness is that it will soften boundaries or invite harm back in. Healthy forgiveness does the opposite. Forgiveness clarifies boundaries. It strengthens them.

When you forgive, you are no longer driven by reaction. You are no longer negotiating with the past. You are responding from clarity rather than reactivity. This is often when survivors find their boundaries become quieter, firmer, and less emotionally charged.

Forgiveness is the moment you stop trying to extract something from someone who has already shown you who they are. When you forgive the abuser, you do it not to reconnect but to detach from them.

Practice Forgiveness Without Forcing It

Forgiveness is not a single moment. It is a process, and it cannot be rushed. If you are unsure where to begin, start small and inward.

1.     Name the harm honestly. Forgiveness that skips accountability is denial. Acknowledge what happened without minimizing it.

2.     Release expectations, not memories. Let go of the hope that they will change, apologize, or see the situation through your eyes. That hope often causes more pain than the loss itself. The truth is, most abusers are so firmly rooted in their own delusions, they are incapable of recognizing the harm they have caused anyway.

3.     Redirect your focus. When your thoughts return to the abuse, gently shift attention back to the life you are building. Forgiveness grows where intention goes.

4.     Practice neutrality before compassion. You do not have to feel goodwill to forgive. Emotional neutrality is often the first step.

Moving Into the New Year Unburdened

As the calendar turns, this is an invitation, not to forget what you survived, but to stop letting it define every step forward. You have already done the brave work of facing the truth. You have already broken patterns that once felt inevitable. Now is the season for something quieter and just as powerful: release.

You do not need to carry the weight of someone else’s cruelty, their insatiable need for power and control, into another year. You do not need to rehearse old wounds, to prove the abuse happened or explain way it matters. Forgiveness does not absolve the abuser. It liberates the survivor.

And as you step into the new year, may you do so unburdened, clear-eyed, and fully committed to a life that belongs to YOU.