I Am Not Who I Was

As Domestic Violence Awareness Month comes to a close, I find myself reflecting on the changes I’ve experienced over the past several years — in my own life, in the lives of those I love, and in the struggles so many are still navigating.

Recently, I attended a support workshop for women and was struck by the uncanny similarities between their stories and my own. I sat there, tightness in my chest, listening to women I had just met speak the very words I spoke seven years ago. Words that carried fear, confusion, and despair: recognizing their relationships were abusive, knowing they needed to leave but not knowing how, worrying about survival, fearing retaliation, feeling like failures for trying everything to no avail.

Desperation. Loneliness. Isolation. Fear. These were demons I knew all too well — demons I had battled before. As I sat there, waves of grief came over me, emotions I thought I had “dealt with”, feelings I hadn’t visited in years.

But in that moment, I also felt gratitude. Gratitude for how far I’ve come, for no longer living in daily darkness, for the beauty of my own healing journey, and for the honor of witnessing and supporting the journeys of others. Healing often feels invisible, like treading water, struggling just to keep your head above the surface. But then you look back and nothing is as it once was. My life in 2019 is unrecognizable today, in the very best ways.

Over the years, I’ve learned many lessons, mostly through trial by fire, that continue to guide me. Here are ten that have shaped my healing journey:

1.     I can find closure without needing someone else’s accountability or apology.

2.     I can show grace and flexibility while still honoring my boundaries.

3.     I can listen with care yet remain unavailable to chaos.

4.     I can lead with empathy without excusing disrespect.

5.     I can speak calmly without silencing my truth.

6.     I can be grateful for how far I’ve come without minimizing the trauma I survived.

7.     I can let my anger drive change without becoming the kind of person who hurt me.

8.     I can release vindictiveness, knowing their actions prove they are already miserable.

9.     I can own my mistakes without shame, while pushing toward growth and improvement.

10.  I can work around toxicity rather than trying to change those determined to be unchangeable.

Some days will still feel heavy, some nights will still feel long, and some memories will still sting. As your light grows brighter, those still living in shadows may try to pull you back into the dark. But you don’t have to go there. You are not the same person you were when they victimized you. You’ve grown beyond their scope; built resilience they cannot touch.

There is strength in walking away from what no longer serves you. There is strength in using your anger as fuel rather than letting it consume you, and in forgiving yourself for the parts of your journey that were messy, painful, and imperfect. You are living proof that beauty can rise from the ashes and no situation is beyond hope. Rest knowing your growth is proof of your courage, your peace is your victory, and no one — not a single soul — can take it from you.