Made the Problem on Purpose: How Scapegoating Works

Scapegoating is a pattern of psychological manipulation that quietly transfers responsibility away from the person causing harm and places it onto someone else. It works slowly at first, distorting facts, misrepresenting events, and creating false narratives until the focus shifts away from the harm being done and onto a single person labeled as the “problem.”

At its core, scapegoating is about the avoidance of truth. When an abuser cannot tolerate accountability or fears exposure, responsibility must go somewhere else. The blame is transferred, piece by piece, onto the victim. In doing so, the abuser protects their self-image while the survivor is left carrying not only the pain of the original harm, but the added weight of judgment, shame, and disbelief from others. This intentional mischaracterization, the attempt to overwrite someone’s identity and undermine their credibility, is itself a form of abuse.

Scapegoating and DARVO

Scapegoating is closely related to the well-documented abuse tactic known as DARVO: deny, attack, and reverse victim and offender. In DARVO, the manipulation occurs primarily between the abuser and the victim: a survivor raises a valid concern; the abuser denies it; attacks the survivor’s character; and positions themselves as the injured party.

Scapegoating expands this process beyond the private relationship. It recruits third parties. Friends, family members, professionals, and sometimes entire communities are subtly or overtly influenced to see the survivor as the source of conflict. The abuser is no longer defending themselves alone. They are outsourcing the blame.

Scapegoating in Families

Scapegoating frequently appears in toxic family systems. Often, the person who speaks up about dysfunction becomes the scapegoat. Labeled as dramatic, ungrateful, or disruptive, they become the "black sheep" of the family. Their willingness to confront the dysfunction threatens the system’s stability.

In contrast, another family member may be elevated into the role of the “golden child,” rewarded for compliance, emotional immaturity and silence. The harmful impact of this dynamic can be profound and long-lasting. Scapegoated children often internalize blame, develop chronic self-doubt, and learn to distrust their own perceptions. Over time, this can impair attachment, erode a sense of safety, and create deeply rooted beliefs about worth and self-esteem. Many scapegoated children later find themselves in adult relationships that mirror the toxicity of their childhood. Not because they enjoy the chaos, but because the chaos was normalized before they had language for it. They mistake abuse for love.

Why Abusers Scapegoat

At its core, scapegoating is rooted in denial. For abusers, maintaining a particular self-image is non-negotiable; their sense of moral and intellectual superiority, innocence, and power depends on it. When they sense they can no longer control the survivor, they will often attempt to discredit them instead. If others can be convinced that the survivor is, at worst, unreliable or unstable due to substance abuse or questionable mental health, or, at best, merely exaggerating, then the abuser’s behavior remains unexamined.

Scapegoating is also motivated by fear and and a desire for revenge. From the abuser’s perspective, the scapegoat “deserves” this treatment for setting boundaries (i.e., fear of losing control), leaving the relationship (i.e., fear of abandonment), and speaking honestly about what they experienced (i.e., fear of damaging a spotless image). Full transparency would dismantle the identity the abuser is protecting, so facts are blurred, responsibility minimized, and narratives reshaped to keep the truth at bay.

What Scapegoating in Real Life

Scapegoating may show up as being blamed for conflicts you did not cause, having your feelings minimized, or being portrayed as the source of tension simply for existing. It often escalates exponentially when a survivor begins to heal, grow, or assert independence.

Scapegoating can involve criticism, accusations, mockery, rage, and in some cases, physical violence. Because the abuser cannot regulate their own emotions, the scapegoat becomes the dumping ground for frustration, shame, anxiety, and disappointment. This is not healthy coping- it is abuse. This type of behavior frequently intensifies after separating from a destructive partner or going no contact with a problematic family member. When direct access to the survivor is limited, abusers may turn to triangulation, most commonly through smear campaigns. If you are experiencing a smear campaign, complete disengagement is often the most effective response. Blocking the abuser's accounts or stepping away from social media entirely (best decision I ever made) may feel unfair, but it removes the abuser’s ability to use you as an emotional outlet. Without that outlet, the abuser's rage will be forced inward or elsewhere.

False narratives are often spread under the guise of awareness, concern, or “setting the record straight.” While it is true that sharing one's story can be a crucial step in the healing process, a key distinction matters here. Genuine survivors speak about the behaviors and systems that harmed them. Abusers attack people. If an individual focuses more time and energy on portraying another person as “difficult” rather than acknowledging the difficulty of the circumstances as a whole, you are likely witnessing scapegoating behavior.

Always resist the urge to correct false narratives, especially if children are involved. Children should never be placed in loyalty binds or weaponized to create further harm. Instead of TELLING them who you are, SHOW them through consistent presence, affection, and safety. Over time, their lived experience with you will carry more truth than the other parent's disparaging words.

The desire for justice is understandable. But time spent correcting lies is time taken from healing, growth, and building a life beyond the abuse. Instead, build a support system that understands abuse dynamics, not to prove yourself, but to avoid isolation. Prioritize your mental and physical health to better manage the effects of stress and strengthen boundaries that protect your peace. Accept reality without trying to force change and develop a response plan that works for YOU.

Remember that healing is not linear, or as I tell my clients in the Veteran's Treatment Court, "relapse is part of recovery". Some days you will feel strong, clear and grounded. Other days old doubts and fears will resurface. Don't be discouraged. The setbacks don't mean you are failing, they mean you're growing.

Breaking Free from the Scapegoat Role

As trauma and abuse expert Dr. Ramani reminds us, scapegoating is never about the survivor. Its about the abuser’s entrenched patterns, distorted beliefs, and unwillingness to change. You are not required to fix them and you are not required to carry the weight of their issues. So, don't. Let them spiral out of control on their own because undoubtedly, they will and you don't want to be part of the fall out when it does.

No one deserves to be used as a psychological dumping ground. Stepping away from scapegoating is an act of self-respect, courage, and profound humanity. Scapegoating thrives in silence, confusion, and self-doubt. It loses its power when you understand what is happening and refuse to participate in it. The moment you stop accepting blame for what you did not cause, something shifts. You regain your footing. You begin to trust yourself again. Scapegoating only works when you stay available to it. Your life gets quieter, clearer, and more honest when you choose to stop carrying what was never yours.

So, choose distance. Choose clarity. Choose your right to live unburdened. You do not need to convince anyone of your truth for it to be real. Your work now is not to defend your past, but to protect your future.